Dam It.

This is probably a story that has made it's fair share of rounds around the internet, but I'd never seen it before and I thought it was really funny. And according to Snopes.com it is a true story. It goes thusly:

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

Here is the actual response sent back:

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (The Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

Dream Diary - AKA Why Did I Have Such a Disgusting Dream?

I was playing the role of a handsome prince. I had left my kingdom, with a modest escort to claim a wife. She was a tiny little fairy lady with delicate wings, and we were very much in love. Don't ask me how that was going to work, I have no idea. She was no bigger than a doll.

We returned to my kingdom to find it a wasteland, consumed in darkness with the animals twisted and evil, the people missing. My small army and I headed toward the evil demon lord's kingdom. The surrounding country was nothing but barren rock and small, twisted, leafless trees. As we marched we gathered small gemstones from the gravel underfoot for my fairy lady to enchant with various spells to aid us in our fighting.

Ranks of his soldiers accosted us as we got nearer. Unnaturally tall and thin, almost insectoid in appearance, completely covered in armor and hard to kill. I was in the forefront of battle, inspiring my men with my valour, letting them see me fight and kill the demon-soldiers with my enchanted, red-glowing sword. We had many casualties but marched on, victorious, determined to find our missing families and friends.

We came to an intact village, and were surprised to find it inhabited. The people were hollow-eyed and gaunt, and didn't respond to our hails. We went into the village and once we were all within it's boundaries, the villagers turned evil. They attacked us with tooth and nail, biting and chewing, desperate for human flesh.

We were well armored, but our faces were vulnerable, and they would gang up and try to pull us down. The only way we manged to break free was that the creatures were mindless, and finding themselves unable to dine on us, they turned on each other. They would gang up on each other, pull off limbs, biting and chewing, ripping open stomachs and pulling out eyes. There were bodies and parts of bodies everywhere. The ground was slippery with viscera. As we retreated, some of the creatures, lacking targets, turned on themselves, chewing off their own flesh on their arms and legs, ripping into their own stomachs and pulling out their own entrails.

Our spell-casters created a compound of salt-water, hoping that it would negate any spells that may try to infect those of us that were bitten, and save anyone that still survived in the village. After treating ourselves, drinking the salt-water potion, we gathered up the remaining spelled villagers and forced them to drink the potion, wondering how they would live with themselves if they recovered and saw what they had done to each other and themselves.

Ew, I Have a Tan... Get It Off, Get It Off!

Yesterday, Robbie, Jerry, and I went with many other people that frequent DeVil's Jungle bar on the 2nd annual Queeracanoeza. Or was it Gayacanoeza? Whatever. Anyway, it involved us, a bunch of gay men, a married couple, and another seemingly straight female piling into cars, going to Harpeth River to rent canoe's and... I believe I was told it was going to be a "peaceful half-day float down the river." That was a bit optomistic really. It was more like a quarter of the day was spent in a canoe floating down the river. The other quarter of the day was spent in the river, quite often chasing down the runaway canoe. It also involved copious amounts of alcohol and the singing of show tunes. Hey. It was a bunch of gay men. It was only a matter of time.

Well, the place was called Tip-a-canoe. And we did. Three times. The first one within five minutes of being in the water. Which was when Jerry and I got cut pretty badly, me on the bottom of my foot, him on his hand. Ugh. I'm outdoors, and I'm already bleeding. See this is why I don't like outdoors! ;-) Plus we all stopped as a group many times to stretch our legs, grab a bite to eat, and get in the water to cool off and splash each other. At the rate we went, it took us six hours to do the four hour trip. Yay us!

I'd like to point out that calling the Harpeth River a river is being extremely generous, since it was so shallow that there were no points that you couldn't stand up, and there was not a point that I was in the water that it came to higher than my waist. At several points Robbie and Jerry had to get out and push the boat off shallow areas, and there were a couple times we all got out and just sort of... walked the boat along. At one point we were all out of the boat and it was still too shallow for it to float. The water didn't even reach my ankles.

Every time the canoe tipped over, Robbie would shout, "No, not the beer!" and make a dive for the cooler. Forget the backpack with the cell phone and car keys in a ziplock bag. Just save the beer! The last time we tipped, we pretty much lost our canoe, and some people that weren't even with us paddled after it and the guy jumped in and saved it and our stuff for us. Yay for nice strangers. It was a long way to the dock for us to... walk. You couldn't exactly swim in waist deep water.

That last time we tipped, the "river" was moving a bit fast, and Robbie got drug by the canoe about 15 feet. I let go of the canoe after a few feet because it was dragging me along the bottom on sharp rocks and fucking OW! Even after that, I couldn't gain my footing so the current pulled me along at first on my lower legs and knees, while I was trying to get up, which are now really scratched and bruised, and then on my ass, when I gave up trying to stand up and just laid back to let the water carry me down to the boat, which was by then waaaaay downstream. But it was so shallow my ass was dragging the bottom anyway, and I have, shall we say, become intimately familiar with about half the rocks in the Harpeth River.

We all got burned, Robbie and Jerry worse than me. Robbie said that I put on so much sunblock that I actually got whiter, and that I was so pale I actually reflected the sun off of me and onto them, which is why they burned worse than me. We are all scraped, bruised, and sore.

I hurt in places I didn't know I had.

But it's a good sort of hurt, really. We had fun. Perhaps there will be pictures.