Another "WTF Are You Talking About" Moment

I had another Lewis Black "What the FUCK are you talking about?" moment at work the other day.

It's the guy next to me, of course, as usual. Someone brought up the dog food recall, and someone else said something about someone sueing over their dog getting sick and such. I wasn't really following along, but then I heard this.

"People shouldn't have animals as pets. They're just part of the food chain. They shouldn't be domesticated. People shouldn't treat their cats and dogs like members of their family. They should just live and die in the wild."

Okaaay, moving on.

If It Weren't For My Horse...

I heard one of the stupidest sentences I've ever heard yesterday while I was at work. Granted, it was coming from the mouth of the guy that sits next to me, so it was no surprise that it was stupid. But the sheer depth of stupidity still had me turning in my chair and my mouth opening to say "What the FUCK are you talking about, you stupid fucking idiot??" before I stopped myself.

Here's what I heard, as best as I can remember it.

"Because it's snowing (up north), the government is going to want it's tax returns back."
This was followed by something about how the snow is killing all the cattle, and that's why the government will want it's money back.

Excuse me for a second... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

It was totally a Lewis Black moment:

"My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes... Recently, I was there, when from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life ... She said, 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.'

I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.' She said, 'If it weren't for my horse...' as in, giddy up, giddy up, let's go - 'I wouldn't have spent that year in college,' a degree-granting institution.
Don't! Don't think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose. The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason.

You're at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you've ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it'll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they're gonna buy a cellular phone, and they're not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don't even understand how the rate structure works. So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask 'em a question like, 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?!' then it'll go away. But they're gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don't go away.

Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right. But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...If it weren't for my horse...' So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about!' I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn't be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that's how she - she was betting on the horse! WHAT THE FUCK?!! And then you realise that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public.

And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom."

When Come Back, Bring Pie

I got in trouble at work over cake.

I'll pause a second while you consider that. Yes, I said cake.

Here's the story. The day after my birthday, someone at work brought a cake for me and another woman. We all gathered around, her and I were given birthday cards, and we cut the cake and passed it out. You know, the usual.

Fast forward to after lunch. I get an email from the woman that made the cake telling me to please take the cake and take it home to my family. The other woman had already left for the day, being part time. I tell her thank you, the cake was quite good and go get the cake. I walked over and asked Jeanne, Darlene, Missy, and a couple other people that I like if they wanted some. Afterward, there was still cake left, that sat at my desk until time for me to go.

Now, fast forward about a week. I'm in my one-on-one with my manager and it's brought to my attention that there was an email going around amongst the people on my team that I shared the team cake with people... *gasp*... outside our team! And why should they get some of our cake. They never share anything with us. They don't even say hello when they walk by. My manager was called into a conference room by the people that had a problem with me sharing the cake and was told this wasn't the first time I'd done that. He was told by the person that was complaining that they didn't even get a piece of cake.

Here's what I told him. The person that made me the cake told me to take it home. I didn't need to take it home, as I had cake there that my mother made me. I considered that, at the point, the cake was mine to do with as I pleased, whether that was give it to my friends, take it home, or throw it away. I didn't share it with a team, I shared it with a few friends, and there was still cake at my desk to the time I left. Whoever it was that claimed they didn't have a piece of cake was welcome to have come to my desk and got some, and they chose not to. As for the other people not saying hello when they walked by, that goes both ways. Does the person complaining about it ever say hello to them? And as for me having done it before, yes I did. At a team dinner, I brought two pies. When the dinner was over, I still had one entire pie that hadn't even been touched. After we all took our food back from the table, I shared the pie that I made with my friends, and it was my pie to do with as I wished. Then I told him that if someone had a problem, they should take it up with me, not go running to my manager, otherwise, I'm just going to sit at my desk, do my work, and mind my own business, and they should do likewise.

I also told him that we weren't in high school and I shouldn't have to be worried about people being that petty and trifling.

Two days later, Jeanne and Darlene and Missy's team had cake for Darlene's birthday. I was the only person from my team invited to have any. Aw, poor whiny babies on my team.